Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Bob
You are such a clown Bob with your unruly hair and your creepy ways. I don't really find the squirting flowers particularly funny, nor the squeaky nose or the big feet. Surely there must be another way for you to entertain, to try and raise a smile. It must be tough when people are terrified of you when all you desire is to spread joy. But tell me, what is joyous about this older man, these sad shoes, the faded nose and the limp curls. The painted on smile, the crossed out eyes and the dead bulbs. You are a joke, Bob, but nobody is laughing.
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Dear Miss Party,
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry to have inspired such a vociferous reaction in you. Let me address your issues one at a time:
1) Unruly Hair - I'm not responsible for this. It can be blamed on bad genetics. My mother and father both had unruly hair. In a world of well groomed and styled people, hair like this is considered freakish. They could only find each other, and as a result the problem is compounded.
2) Creepy Ways - I'm just trying to be friendly. The unruly hair seems to put people off so much. Maybe I'm just overcompensating.
3) Squirting Flowers - I tried the non-squirting kind, but they seemed so... barren. So lifeless.
4) Squeaky Nose - It just squeaks. It's not a fake toy nose either. That's just my nose. It came about from an accident in my youth, when my mother dropped me down several flights of stairs. At least she said it was an accident.
5) Big Feet - You know what they say about men with big feet? They take up more room on the bus. I'm sorry they offend you, but I'm not having them amputated, even if it will make you feel better.
6) Being an Older Man - Oh so now I have to fix time? Old monster time, relentless, linear and inevitable? I understand some of your critique but this is beyond the pale.
7) Sad Shoes - Believe it or not, when you have feet this big, there aren't many options when it comes to buying footwear. Perhaps you'd rather I ordered some dead beavers and put my feet in them?
8) The Make Up - It is better than the alternative. A skin condition has left me with a gruesome, yellowish pallor that some have compared to the recently embalmed.
I do my best to deal with the many challenges that life has thrown my way, and I suppose I have grown used to callous and unfeeling reactions of others in my (clearly excessive) years upon this earth. However, I am slightly surprised as I thought we had made a more human connection over dinner. Now I realise that I was presumptuous in suggesting a second date.
Do not fear, I (limp curls, creeping terror and all) will not contact you again, and I will be sending a letter of complaint to the "Sensitive And Caring Dating Agency" forthwith.
Yours Cordially,
Bob Happyface (Clown)